Secret Sorrows
by Lady Callista
Summary: It was something she had thought about often since River first made the comment that she and the Doctor were always meeting in reverse, and when the Doctor finally returns after a two year absence Amelia Pond can't help but ask him the one question she regrets never asking: When did he first meet River? The answer, as we know, is not the funny story she expected.


Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, nor any of the characters. No copyright infringement in intended, and no money is being made.

AN: Because the muse bit me and wouldn't let go. Not sure I'm particularly happy with it, or that it's fully IC, but as I haven't been able to concentrate on writing anything else I figured I might as well put this out there. Set at the end of 7.1 "The Doctor, The Widow, and the Wardrobe." This is my first foray into Doctor Who fanfic, and I would love to know what people think!

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Secret Sorrows

_by Lady Callista_

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_"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad." -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow_

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It felt both a little strange, and perfectly normal at the same time, to have the Doctor sitting in her living room drinking eggnog.

A little strange, Amy mused as she set down a tray of sweets on the coffee table before settling on the couch between her husband and the Doctor, because it had been two years since they had seen the later. And sitting around in her home having Christmas dinner wasn't something he had ever done in all the years she'd known him.

And yet it was perfectly normal, because when you traveled with the Doctor your definition of normal became somewhat… different than most people's. And yes, it had been two years, but that didn't really matter.

Her raggedy man had come back to her, as she knew he always would, and they'd spent most of dinner filling him in on what they'd been doing for the past two years, and hearing what he had done in return. They were already planning where they wanted to travel once Christmas was over, once this slice of what most people would consider normal had become the past.

The Doctor was being particularly animated at the moment, seemingly near the end of telling Rory about some adventure he and River had taken at one point or another. Having missed most of the story, Amy simply settled back to listen, amused as always with the mix of love and exasperation in the Doctor's voice when he spoke of her daughter, of his wife.

And when the Doctor finished his story, she asked something she had wanted to ask for a long time. Something she'd had two long years to think about, to wonder if she'd ever get to ask. "You seem to be in the mood for stories tonight, Doctor, and there's one you've never told us."

"There're thousands I've never told you." The Doctor said with his quirky grin. "If I told you everything I've ever done there'd never be time to do anything new. And that would be rather dull, now wouldn't it?"

"But there's one in particular I want to hear." Amy caught Rory's eye, and knew that he knew exactly what she was going to ask. They had discussed it often enough, after all.

"And what's that?"

She could see the hesitation in the Doctor's eyes when she turned back to him. She had never asked for something like this before, never asked for a particular story, and he would know that it was something important. "The first time I met my daughter, at least from my perspective, was at the Byzantium. But you had met her before."

"My previous incarnation did. A few times, actually very odd, this woman who knew so much about me when I knew almost nothing about her." The Doctor replied. "And all she would say to any of my questions was that one infuriating word."

"Spoilers." Amy said in a close enough imitation of River's accent and inflection that the Doctor gave her a small smile as he nodded.

"Spoilers." The Doctor echoed, a hint of the frustration he must have felt at the time in his voice. But then his eyes changed, and his voice softened as he added, "And that's what I'm going to have to tell you, Pond, if you ask me about those times. Because they haven't happened for her yet, and I can't risk you telling her."

"I wouldn't." Amy said at once. "But she's my daughter, and I've missed so much of her life, and I just… I want to know everything I can."

"You can say that, Amy, and I'm sure you even mean it, but remember what you said to me at the door, how River was a good girl and told you I was alive. I had told her not to tell anyone, and she still did. Because she loves you, and wanted to save you from the pain." The Doctor's eyes grew darker then, shadowed with something Amy couldn't define. "Wouldn't you, mum, wouldn't you do the same for her if you could?"

"First off, never call me that again. And second, that was different!" Amy said heatedly, feeling Rory put a comforting hand on her knee. He knew the story she really wanted, knew what she was leading up to, because he was the one who had made her worry about this by telling her something River had said to him. "It didn't impact our future all. She told us how you did it, sure, but she didn't say if we would ever see you again. She didn't tell us anything in our future or yours, just that you weren't dead."

"And what if I told you the story of how she died?" He whispered in return. "I'm not saying I even know how she dies, but what if I do? Do you really believe you wouldn't try to change it?"

"Do you know?" Rory spoke up for the first time since the conversation had turned in this direction.

The Doctor didn't answer, but the pain that came into his eyes was answer enough.

"You love her." Amy whispered. "If you know, why don't you just… is it a fixed point?"

"Not in the way you mean, not like my death was, but… but it's already happened for me. I can't cross my own time stream, so even though I know I can't go there"

"You could tell her, have her not go there, where and whenever it is." Amy argued.

"And what if that would change something that's already happened for me?" His voice held more pain than Amy had ever heard. "What if it would change everything?

Amy took a deep breath, feeling her eyes fill with tears, although more for the Doctor than for River. Everybody had to die at some point, after all, -well, except for the Doctor apparently- and that really wasn't what she had wanted to know about anyway. But the idea of the Doctor knowing, of him having grown to know, and then love her daughter while knowing every moment exactly when and how she was going to die, well, that was pretty much the definition of heartbreaking.

"Don't tell us about that, then. But she said something to us once, well, to Rory, but…" Amy trailed off briefly, linking hands with Rory and drawing strength from him as she always did. "But just from what I know she's had such a hard life, and there are moments I don't know about, moments she feared would be even worse than all the things that had ever happened to her, and I just need to know that she found enough happiness to make up for it."

"What did she tell you?" The Doctor's face was nearly as blank as Amy had ever seen it. "What did she fear?"

"She was talking about how every time you meet that she knew you more but you knew her less." Rory answered softly. "She was dreading the time when you wouldn't know her at all. The first time that, from your perspective, you met her. This woman you've never met who knows everything about you. That's got to be a good story, right?"

"There were other people there, and she assumed I had a reason for acting like I didn't know her, and got me alone for a moment to pull out her book to compare timelines like we always… always do." The Doctor recalled softly. "When she could see that nothing was ringing a bell, she just looked at me, and touched my face, and eventually realized that I was younger than she had ever seen me."

"So, tell us the whole story." Amy prompted.

"I can't." The Doctor broke eye contact, fingers fiddling with his bow tie. "That's a story I can't tell, not until it happens to her."

"Well once it happens, she could tell us. I just want to know you're not an absolute git to her or something. After all…" Amy started to wheedle, but Rory squeezing her hand stopped her and she turned to face him. Something in his eyes told her she had missed something that he had already figured out.

"He said it would risk changing everything." Rory said softly. "_Everything. _The only way it would change every single thing is if…"

"If when she dies is also…" Amy caught on then, and the level of heartache expanded exponentially, which she hadn't thought was possible. "If the first time you meet her is when…"

"Amelia, stop guessing, please. I've already said far too much." The Doctor whispered. "Ask for another story, I'll tell you any happy story you want to hear."

"One thing first."

"Depends."

"Were you a complete git?"

"Of course not." The Doctor was silent for a long moment then, and Amy began to wonder if he was trying to figure out what to tell her, or if he was simply lost in the memory.

When he finally spoke, it was in a soft, emotional voice, "She whispered my name in my ear, knowing what it would mean to me that she knew it. I tried to save her of course, but she told me not to, for the reason I just gave you. It would risk changing everything, and she told me she wouldn't change a single moment. Her exact words were, _don't you dare_. You said what you really wanted to know was if she had enough happiness to make up for all the bad in her life. I suppose I can't say, no one really can, but she didn't want it to change. And I swore to myself, to her really, that I would make sure it didn't. If you say anything to her… "

"We won't." Amy swallowed harshly. "We ran around with you for months without telling you that we'd seen _you_ die, didn't we?"

"We get it, Doctor." Rory said softly. "We won't say anything, especially knowing she didn't want it changed. But when it happens for her, then can you tell us the story?"

"Of course I will. And I'll say one more thing now; the only way to save her would have been to take her place, well, actually, I had planned on it being me and she took my place, but… she saved my life." The Doctor whispered. "She's always doing that."

"She saved your life so you could have one with her." Amy said softly, resting her head on his shoulder briefly. "I told you she's a good girl."

"She really is."

THE END

AN2: As everyone knows, River Song's timeline can be confusing, and some things are totally debatable. I was rewatching "Silence in the Library" and found it odd that it took River a while to realize the Doctor was younger than she'd ever seen him, as we never see her interact with Ten other than this, and she says once she knows all his faces, so she should have known this was the previous incarnation, and therefore obviously younger than all her interactions with Eleven. Since she's not exactly stupid, and is very experienced in time travel by this point, she obviously (in my mind) has other interactions with Ten that we never see. I'm not looking to open a debate, if you disagree that's fine, but I wanted to explain this so I didn't get people correcting Eleven's comment that his previous incarnation met her _a few times. _

And yeah, like I said in the beginning, not sure this is really IC, that the Doctor would reveal stuff like this, but my muse got stuck on it and wouldn't let up. Hope you enjoyed.


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